Testimony from a Broken Man
To the family in Christ at the Del. Institute,
My name is Lateef. I am writing you from the confines of Cumberland County Jail. I was recently incarcerated here for a violation of probation which I was placed on in July of 2000. I was arrested on July 5th for failing to adhere to the guidelines of probation. I got a new charge for assaulting a man. I am telling you all this to be open and honest with my brethren. If I have left out any pressing details or if you have any questions on my legal matters, feel free to ask. I have been shown by the Lord that honesty gets results.
Moving on, the most miraculous part of my stay has been that the last 2 months I have lived behind bars, I have been spiritually revealing in no small way. But before I describe the joy and freedom I have been feeling (though I am physically confined), I would like to tell you somewhat about myself.
I am from Maine. I was born here in Portland at the MMC. Most of my life I have spent living in the greater Portland area (except some months I lived and worked in Sacramento, CA. St. John, V. I., and Dorchester, MA as a youth). My family is rooted here and considering the amount of energy I put into "escaping" Maine, I feel God always brings me back to remain. So, I have finally surrendered.
At a very young age I was a rebel. Pushed and pulled against every authority in front of or around me. Home life wasn't too peachy, so at the age of 14 I was running away, spending time in group homes, on the streets, and a lot of time at the Maine Youth Center. (crimes like assault, car thefts, and vandalism)All the time using marijuana or alcohol, or any other form of intoxicant.
Yet even during these times there seemed to be a "threshold" of evil .I would not cross. Looking back I would say that I always knew in my heart that there was a God. Even though satan had a stronghold over me with a number of his vices and delusions (money, drugs, woman, * anger) The Lord had a protective Angel over me, and He blessed me with a real strong conscience and compassion for others. I ran with a pretty wild bunch who are all doing real time in the Maine State Prison in Warren. In fact there is four of us, I am the only one left who is not doing or facing serious time for a serious crime. This is not coincidence! When I was released from the "Youth Center" at age sixteen, I sincerely wanted to stay out of jail. Yet I did not want to give up my sinful vices: marijuana, alcohol, women. What I figured was that if I settled down with a strong woman and try to stay focused. I would not go down the road that I watched so many of my brothers and elders go down. You see at 16 I was deemed "pretty intelligent" even "mature" for my age. And if I do say so myself … I was a pretty good ACTOR. Opart of the reason today I battle with pride.is because people around me praised me so, but they never saw the scared little tramp inside me.
So I bamboozled an older woman into falling in love with me (I was 16 she was 23). She lead children (I have none of my own" previously, and I spent the next six or seven years destroying all their lives with my
infidelity, abuse, addictions, and frequent trips to the hoosegow. Last summer "01 my now 3x-wife finally had enough and got the strength to say enough is enough. We had been to counseling, churches, she went to the military, I went to the nuthase, and twice I had run away from her and the kids to California, only to come back to Maine and rekindle the sick little frame.
Well, something finally "gave" as they say, (Here's the good part), towards the end of our broken relationship, some vfriends (read Angels) brought me to a little storefront church in Brunswick. I was living in
Bath at the time off and on with my ex-wife, and we were desperate. So I walked in tho Life Tabernacle Pentecostal Church. The Pastor there, Michael White, and I hit it off real great. But everything was strange to me. All my life I prided myself on "being a man," I was intelligent and mature for my age and I "didn't cry." I don't know. I walked through those doors during a mid-week service and I never felt so much at home. All those years I spent running and running, and running. I finally felt like I didn't have to run anymore.
I cried, I cried. I cried. It took some time. My wife encouraged me to enroll in college. (SMTC) I went to Life Tabernacle and cried. Yet I still did not get it. I went to jail . My wife left me, I cried. Man, every time I walked in that church I cried. That was all last fall. "01 and winter until July 5th. God was calling. I was still running though. And honestly it was my pride. I thought I "had it." It was like God had shown me all He could give me: an apartment of my own, a heautiful church family, a job with the bosses'favor (I was promoted to assistant manager ikn 30 days), and He even allowed me to be on speaking terms with my ex and her children. (She has since moved from Maine * we don't tal, but I pray for her and I know God portects them.) Well after God blessed me with some stability and I finally felt like I could be on my way … You know the rest. I wanted to drive. My. Prideful told God that He could "run things from here." Thanks God but I got it" that was probably late February or early March of this year. Needless to say my church attendance went down. I barely held my job. I lost my apartment, and Mr. Man was seeking worldly things again, mariuauna, booze, women. I went from somewhere to nowhere fast in a few months flat. Then I came to jail in July. For valiantly coming to the aid of a friend who was being attacked (insert laugh here) I was furious. "God, what was the point!" "It was all your fault." "Why didn't you just give me what I wanted!" I was hoppin mad at God.
What a fool! I can't believe He even wanted to deal with me any more. He sent me to jail to protect me from me… to protect me from satan and the world. Then not only did He send me to jail, He sent me a man. A pastor away from home: Gregory Lee. This brother set me straight. God blessed Greg with wisdom and Mr. Lee gave me some. For my first three days here in C.C.J. all I wanted to do was lash out at my circumstances.
I wanted to control somebody. Make God pay for what I felt He did to me. It's amazing the Lord didn't smote me right there. Really miraculous the patience God showed with His angry little Mr. Pride. Greg told me one word. OPPORTUNITY. Greg told me this was an oppo9rtunity to grow. To strengthen my life's walk. The man said yea I could go to the library and work out my mind, or I could go to the gym and build my physical muscles. I could do either of those (and I did) but what he said next stuck. Greg told me the biggest opportunity I would benefit from is to strengthen my spirit. OPPORTUNITY!
After that my hunger for His Word, His Holy Word, came back. I was reading the Bible and praying and even fasting again. I couldn't do those things before, because I was trying to use my will. I couldn't finish High School or College because I was trying to use my will. My marriage didn't hold together and I couldn't keep my finances together, or keep my apartment because I didn't have the power. He did. All that time He spent trying to get me to see that He loved me and wanted me to have my hearts desires, but I had to surrender to His will. Mr. Pride could NOT DO IT!
I want to be a teacher. I want to go into psychotherapy (counseling) and I wold love to be a minister someday.
All three are possible. I just have to do it. God's way. Him first. And I want to start when I leave here. I honestly do not know when that is. (I don't even have a court date yet.) But patience is going to have her perfect work in me. The sixty or so days I have been here, have been like hours. I will wait on God. I believe He wants me to attend your courses there at the Deliverance Institute, of course, you all will have to feel it in your hearts to accept me. I do not know the protocol. All I know is what Mr. Lee told me that was enough. I have no responsibilities at this present time . My only obligation is my commitment to Jesus. And as I understand, you folks are big on commitment. If you would be so kind to send some literature and please … any and all questions you have for me. God will guide and I will answer them as best and honest as I can. I will also be sure to correspond often (ifyou are so willing to receive such wretched scrawlings), so that you all can be a little more familiar with the kind of man God has created as well as what's going on in my legal standings. I understand Mr> Lee is cast in a good light there at the institute, so please feel free to ask him of his opinion on me. I'll inform him not to hold back. (I told you my head is pretty big.) I pray I will meet the good brothers and sisters there at the Deliverance Center in a more personal way. On however God's basis of the visit will be, I look forward to it. In the meantime….. God's love and God bless. Lateef.
After thought: Feel free to call Pastor Michael White in regards to my testimony.
721-0797
Life Tabernacle in Brunswick
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